Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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