Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
