If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
