Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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