Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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