Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
