I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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