idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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