did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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