My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
this will be a night to untag.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
