I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So vagazzling was a success
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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