I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize