her vagine was all disorganized.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
