You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I need to calm my uterus...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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