Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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