I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize