he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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