Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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