You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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