i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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