Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
