Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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