Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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