R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
