when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
