my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Randomize
