I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
