I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My ass is underappreciated
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
