I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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