And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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