From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
