I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She is in my trunk
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
