I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize