im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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