I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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