I wish they made helmets for livers.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize