Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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