the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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