happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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