One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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