Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
