So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
