forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
