I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
