I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
