There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
