remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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