Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
