My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize