you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
