Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
