taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
