I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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