lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
