We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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