Got a toothbrush?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
