With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
