would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
