dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize