My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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