My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
