Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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