Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
