You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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