yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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